Peeling the next layer of the onion
Ironically since I launched Happiness Club for Unlimited Self-Esteem, it seems as though lots of things have gone wrong. I had a relapse of depression. My boyfriend Andy, aka Mr Sexy Pants (MSP), and I had a few issues and nearly split up! I had problems in my day job. My low self-esteem/self-worth issues reared their ugly head.
Issues with Happiness Club
I ran my Happiness Club for Unlimited Self-Esteem course every Saturday for six weeks. Every Friday I noticed that my depression got worse as Happiness Club approached. I took this as a sign from my guides/inner guidance that I was on the wrong path.
I prayed and begged, “I’ve got the message that this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing, but I’ve committed to this for the next six weeks. People are relying on me. Please help me to get through this just for a couple of hours every Saturday. Help me to get fear and ego out of the way so I can be in service and add value.”
I did manage to deliver the course. Given the fact I had great feedback and people came back more than once, I would say they received value from it. I did feel like a hypocrite though. I was telling one of the participants about how I used to let low self-esteem hold me back with Happiness Club. A little voice in my head was saying, “You’re such a hypocrite. You’re still letting it hold you back!”
My friend Tony, who helps me with my marketing said, “Not really the case, you’re doing a wonderful thing while struggling. I know it’s hard but you’re still doing it. That means you’re perfectly placed to help others through your own experience.”
Tony helped me realise that I wasn’t letting fear hold me back with Happiness Club, because I was doing it anyway, in spite of the fear.
It does seem ironic that these feelings of low self-worth and low self-esteem have surfaced just as I have launched my course on self-esteem. But I realise that this is an opportunity to go even deeper with healing these issues. I am peeling the next layer of the onion.
Issues with my relationship
As I mentioned, MSP and I also had a few issues. I realised that although there were some things we needed to work through, on the whole I was creating problems that weren’t there.
In his book, ‘The Big Leap’, Gay Hendricks talks about the upper limit problem. When we achieve a certain level of success in our lives, such as in our relationships or career, we become uncomfortable and unconsciously create problems. I was experiencing upper limit problems in my relationship and with Happiness Club. I also had an aha moment when I realised that after spending so much of my life feeling unhappy, feeling happy felt unfamiliar.
MSP is a wonderful boyfriend. He is kind and thoughtful. I am very blessed. Having said that, I do sometimes feel that I am low on MSP’s priority list and that he doesn’t treat me with respect. During a meditation session, I asked, “Why does MSP make me a low priority? Why does he sometimes treat me with a lack of respect? My inner guidance replied, “because you make yourself a low priority and you treat yourself with a lack of respect.” I recognised that I often live my life around MSP and fit my life around his busy social life.
Yesterday evening, during a Buddhist meeting, I was talking about how lucky I am to have MSP. And then I said “maybe he’s lucky to have me?”. I started crying. After the meeting I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I thought about my two best friends; Cristina and Amy. Cristina and Amy are two of the most incredible women I know. I sometimes wonder how I attracted such an amazing boyfriend and these two beautiful women into my life. It baffles me and then realisation dawns as I remember that like attracts like. Maybe I attracted these extraordinary people into my life because I am also extraordinary.
Issues with my day job
Due to a number of reasons, including feeling depressed and not hitting my target, I became very demotivated at work. As I was completing one of the exercises in my self-esteem course, I recognised that I needed to take responsibility and stop bitching and blaming others. Since then, I’ve taken ownership of the problem, discussed it with my manager and ultimately got my mojo back.
Issues with persecution complex
I noticed that my persecution complex has come to the surface recently. Even though I am popular, I started feeling that people didn’t like me and that they thought I was weird. (I am weird but hopefully in a good way!)
I started to feel that people were leaving me out. Deep down, I knew it was all in my imagination, but it was still hard, and I started avoiding socialising with certain groups of friends. I was conscious that avoiding these friends would just make it worse.
I recently attended an event that I considered avoiding. Instead, I decided to stand in my power, invoke my Freakin’ Goddess and send love to all the attendees. My morning meditation from A Course in Miracles and Mornings with Marianne for that day inspired me to say to people inside my head, “The love in me salutes the love in you”. As usual, I sent love to everyone I would interact with during the day, while I was doing my morning Buddhist chanting meditation. I had a lot of fun at the event and felt real heart to heart connections with the other attendees.
How can I heal these feelings of low self-worth?
All these issues were tough. I experienced steep learning curves. I also believe that the cosmic energy has been intense as we are all going through a deep healing process. In one of my mediations, I said to myself, “I feel like I’ve been broken apart,” and again, that little voice answered, “You have, and we are rebuilding you”. It also dawned on me that I had stopped applying what I have learned through my Happiness Club for Unlimited Self-Esteem online course, and I wanted to get back on track.
During yesterday’s Buddhist meeting I realised it’s no wonder I have issues with self-worth. I was disfellowshipped from the Jehovah’s Witness religion at the tender age of 18 and estranged from my family for committing fornication with my boyfriend at the time. When I was a child, my Mum was disfellowshipped for committing adultery. She was vilified by my Dad, my step-mum and other members of the religion. I had to sit there and listen to it. I was also constantly told by my step-mum, “you are just like your mother”. When I think about all this, it helps me to realise that I am actually doing unbelievably well.
These are my tips for healing feelings of low self-worth:
I believe that having awareness of what is behind these problems is at least half the battle. I sometimes find that simply being aware of the problem is enough to heal it.
Invoke your Freakin’ Goddess
Stand in your power and invoke your Freakin’ Goddess.
Just do it
Whatever your scared of – just do it anyway.
Take baby steps
Take baby steps to change your behaviour. For example, I am starting to take small steps to stop revolving my life around MSP.
If you’re stuck in blame mode, ask yourself “What am I doing to contribute to this situation? How can I take responsibility and stop blaming others?”
Send Love to every person and every situation
Every morning set the intention to send love to everyone you come into contact with. You can send extra love just before or during an interaction.
Journal about it
Journal about it or write a blog post. I can already feel how cathartic writing this post has been.
This is certainly an ongoing healing process for me, and I am sure I’ll discover more ways to heal these feelings along the way. In which case, I’ll keep you posted.
If you’d like to learn how to heal your feelings of low self-worth and achieve Unlimited self-esteem check out my online course and free guide Happiness Club for Unlimited Self Esteem. The free guide is available when you sign up to my mailing list.
What is your experience of low self-worth? Let me know in the comments or in the Happiness Club Facebook Group.