Well I’ve been up and down recently. I’ve been a bit low for the last few weeks. I’m unsure why that is. Maybe it’s due to me reducing my dose of anti-depressants. Part of me thinks that I should increase my dose again. On the other hand, I will feel like a hypocrite if I do.
I know that sometimes you have to take medication for depression and that taking anti-depressants for depression is no different to a diabetic taking insulin for diabetes. I’ve been really happy for the last few months. Although I’m sure my happiness is partly due to the anti-depressants, I believe it is mainly down to my spiritual and Buddhist practices and beliefs. Therefore I am determined to work through whatever issues I have with the support of these practices and keep on reducing the dose of anti-depressants. My goal is to come off them completely within one year. Then I will have another instance of actual proof that my Buddhism and spiritual practices actually work.
Today is the best I have felt for a few weeks now. It’s the first weekend in a while that I have nothing to do. No work, no boxing class, no boyfriend, no running around like a headless chicken. Just chilling.
Incidentally, I haven’t dumped Andy. He’s away at Scout Camp. Much as I love him to bits, it’s nice to have some quality me time.
The last two or three weeks have been pretty intense. Work has been crazy busy. The boxing training was exhausting. I felt pretty overwhelmed with everything. Then I lost three clients and once again I found myself questioning everything and wondering if it should jack it in and get a job.
Yesterday I made the decision to pull out of the charity boxing match I was due to take part in next Saturday. I have absolutely loved the training; I even enjoyed a weight lifting class! I was nervous right from the beginning of the training and I kept telling myself to forget about the match and just focus on one class at a time. For the past few weeks though I’ve been increasingly dreading taking part in the event.
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, The Buddhist Boxer, although I find sparring scary, I really enjoy it. The last few times I haven’t enjoyed it though. I haven’t enjoyed it at all. The final straw came on Wednesday when I was in a particularly grueling round. My partner Julie kept asking me if I was okay. I wasn’t but I was determined to carry on. In the end Julie insisted we stop and I ran out of the ring crying and went and threw up in the loo.
On reflection, in some ways I feel as though it was a mistake to sign up in the first place. With my history of chronic fatigue and depression, I should have realised it would be too much. Even more so, as I already had a lot on my plate. I run my own business, I am the new President of BNI Wolsey and I am in a new relationship. On top of this I reduced my dose of anti-depressants in February. So all in all, possibly the wrong thing for me and possibly the wrong time. On the other hand, I have loved the training, I have learned a lot and I have made some good friends, particularly Julie Ann Warne, my partner and a very inspiring lady.
Over the last two or three weeks I started thinking about pulling out. I kept thinking to myself that I had to do it because everyone would think I was an idiot if I pulled out. Then I kept reminding that I have to stop worrying about what other people think. Everyone kept telling me that I should do it and finally I stopped listening to everyone else and listened to my intuition. Yes, I asked a lot of people for advice and I listened and finally I made up my own mind.
I was also worried about letting people down, especially as I have a history of committing to things and then backing out or not completing. I have a habit of committing to things without stopping to think if I can follow through. This is something I’m working on.
In regard to my business, I thought about jacking it in recently. Something I have thought about before when the going gets tough. The good news is that I have decided to persevere. As I mentioned in another previous post, Journal 13th June 2016, I have realised that I’m straying too far from my life purpose and that I need to get back on track. When I’m feeling out of sorts that is often one of the reasons. I have also realised that I’ve been getting off track with my plans for the business. In both cases, I have been focused too much on the money and too little on being in service.
So as I said earlier, today is the best I have felt for a while. I slept really well and I woke up feeling as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I am determined to get back on track with my plans to be in service. An extra blessing is that I have received my first donation for my blog. I think that’s a sign I’m on the right track.
I had a choice with the boxing and a choice with my business. I could give up or I could persevere. As Napoleon Hill said “Don’t quit right before the miracle happens”. Sometimes keeping going is the right thing to do and sometimes knowing when to let go is the only option.
I’ve been feeling low again the last week or so. I am tired and I’ve been having headaches. I feel overwhelmed with work. I am nervous about the boxing match and wondering why I decided to sign up.
I think this is partly a message from the Universe that I am straying too far from my life purpose, or at least not spending enough time on it. I also think that because I’m Lilacing1; it’s bringing everything up to the surface.
I don’t know how I can spend more time on my life purpose. I suppose it’s baby steps. At the lilac enrolment ceremony I set myself a determination2 to spend 15 minutes per day on my personal writing and or journaling, in an effort to serve humanity and shakubuku 3 through my writing.
On the plus side Andy has been amazing. He’s so supportive. Over the last few days I feel as though I love him more and more every day and then yesterday morning he said exactly that to me. When we were playing poker at Kirby Street on Friday, I looked at him and I thought “God, I love you so much”.
I had a great TFT4 session with my dear friend Val Chater on Friday and I released a lot of fears, especially around boxing, including the fear of fear itself. I am probably still releasing stuff now.
I also know that everything always works out for the best and that every challenging situation has a solution. Through my Buddhist practice I can overcome any problems that may otherwise seem insurmountable. I can ‘make the impossible possible’ in the words of SGI leader President Daisaku Ikeda.
Well – what do you know? I feel better already. J
1Lilacing – to be a dedicated volunteer for two years within SGI – a socially engaged Buddhist movement.
2Determination – similar to an intention. I will cover this in more detail in a later post.
3Shakubuku – the way I understand shakubuku is that it’s about teaching people to reveal their Buddhahood, improve their lives and by doing so make a contribution towards world peace. http://www.sgi.org/about-us/buddhism-in-daily-life/shakubuku-reveal-true-potential.html
4TFT – Thought Field Therapy, aka Tapping, releases energetic blocks helping to overcome negativity, fear, limiting beliefs etc and can be used to overcome virtually any problem and help you achieve pretty much anything you want. www.tftval.co.uk