Where shall I start? Well, since coming off my medication it has been a rocky ride. I’ve had a few knock backs and sometimes it feels as if everything is going wrong at the same time. I feel as though I keep getting knocked down, get back up, dust myself down, only to get knocked down again. I still keep getting up though.
I’ve been beating myself up; feeling like a hypocrite. How can I write about Happiness when I’ve spent a good proportion of the last week in tears?
I’ve had bad news about my health. (Nothing serious).
Business is not great and I might have to get a ‘proper’ job.
I’ve pulled out of the half-marathon. I realise the goal was too ambitious. As I said in my previous blog, Setting and Achieving Goals, for goals to be achieved they need to be achievable!
The negative voice in my head carries on with the self-flagellation. I am imagining what everyone is saying, “Oh well, you know that Sam Brook. She’s a complete hypocrite. She’s always failing at things. Do you remember when she trained for a boxing match and had to pull out. Twice!” (See blog post Journal 18th June 2016.)
At this point I remind myself of a few important things:
- It doesn’t matter what other people think. “What other people think of you is none of your business.” Regina Brett. “Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind” – unknown.
- I am very lucky. I live in a beautiful house, with a lovely garden. The weather is fantastic, albeit too flipping hot at the moment. I have great friends and an amazing, supportive boyfriend who totally adores me.
- For the past nine weeks or so I have been training for the half-marathon and I’ve done incredibly well. I ran 8.5 km last week and I fully intend to take part in the Twilight 10 K on 3rd August. I am proud of myself and rightly so.
- It’s good to remind myself how far I’ve come. Two years ago, if I felt like I’ve been feeling recently, I would have been straight back on the anti-depressants, retreated under the duvet, eating biscuits and ice cream, watching Netflix back to back. Today at lunchtime I hungrily eyed the biscuits in the shop. I turned my back on them and bought ingredients to make myself a smoothie instead.
I am determined to remain optimistic. “Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha.” ― Robert Brault
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