My Dark Night of the Soul

Dark Night of the Soul
My Dark Night of the Soul – Second in the series of The Social Isolation Diaries

Wednesday 8th April 2020

I want to share how I’m feeling.

The first couple of weeks of lockdown I felt great. I was maintaining all my Happiness practices. I was so proud of myself.

Then I was starting to feel increasingly overwhelmed with working on Happiness Club on top of working full-time. I was feeling stressed all the time with constant headaches. I have even been waking up in the morning with headaches. I talked to my angels and guides and said “Come on guys. I need your help. If you want me to do Happiness Club, then I need some help.”

Work has also been quite stressful, and we have a challenging situation going on with Andy’s Mum.

(I’m sitting here crying my eyes out as I write this).

By the end of last week, I was at breaking point. I started eating shit and drinking – 2-3 glasses of wine every evening. My rituals went out of the window.

I went out for a walk with MSP on Friday lunchtime and he annoyed me. I ended up losing my temper, screaming like a banshee and punching him repeatedly. I was so ashamed of myself.

I was planning to work on Happiness Club at the weekend, but I couldn’t face it. I did try and push myself as I know that sometimes once I get in the flow, I feel fine, but I couldn’t get in the swing of it. Then I felt guilty about not working on it.

I had a day off yesterday. I had a Tapping session in the morning. In the Tapping session we worked on clearing negative energy picked up from computers and phones etc. Val suggested that I order some shungite from ShungiteUK, which protects against energies from electronic devices and 5G.

Again, I was planning to work on Happiness Club but felt like I needed to give myself a break, so I chilled out instead. I lay on the grass in the sun with the intention that Mother Earth and the Sun’s energy would heal me. It was lovely but I still felt pretty bad. I had a long bath with Epsom salts and essential oils and started to feel better.

Today I’ve been feeling low again. I feel apathetic today. I’m finding it difficult to find enthusiasm for anything.

I feel how on Earth can I do Happiness Club when at the slightest sign of stress, I revert to my old habits and all my Happiness practices go out of the window. Although to be fair I am still chanting and / or meditating most days. I’m going for a walk most days.

Most people say that I’m the right person to do Happiness Club because I’m living it and therefore people can relate to me, but I don’t see it like that. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like an idiot.

I feel that I should pull the plug on Happiness Club. As someone said, how ironic that Happiness Club is making me so unhappy. But I have just finished the crowdfunding campaign and I have £1020 of other people’s money to spend on the business. I feel like I should give everyone a refund. It feels like so much pressure. It comes down to worrying what people think as usual. I’m worried about being a hypocrite if I continue. I’m worried about what people will think if I pull the plug.

I feel that I’m in an impossible situation with no way out. It is a horrible feeling. However, two things to note. 1) I have been here before and 2) I have found a solution. There is always a solution.

I have written a blog post about Happiness Tips for social isolation and I have promised to write more but I feel like I can’t now. Maybe I could write about this experience instead. That would be more authentic.

I feel better for writing it all down.

Thank you for listening.

All my love Samy xx

Ps. Sorry for the doom and gloom. I’m now feeling much better, with more upbeat posts to follow incl. the sequel ‘Stars Can’t Shine Without Darkness‘.

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