Journal 14th July 2016

Darkest Before The Dawn 2

First of all I want to apologise that my blog posts have been less positive than I would like recently. Having said that, it’s important for me to be authentic and I hope that in doing so I can help others through my experiences. The last couple of weeks I have felt pretty shit. Since my last blog post I have felt very up and down. I am lucky that I have the support of my boyfriend Andy and some dear, wise friends. One of my friends recommended a book entitled ‘A Mind of Your Own’ by Dr Kelly Brogan. Dr Brogan is a psychiatrist who has written a book about natural alternatives to anti-depressants, as well as coming off anti-depressants using natural methods; including diet, exercise, supplements and meditation.  Dr Brogan links depression to thyroid disease, which I have and it’s notoriously hard to treat. She also emphasises that it is difficult to come off the anti-depressants and that it should be done with extreme caution; only once her programme has been in place for a while. Due to this, as well as the fact that I was starting to feel quite desperate, I spoke to my Doctor and decided to go back on the higher dose of anti-depressants.

Last week I felt much better, possibly due to attending a Buddhist course with SGI1. I was still up and down though. This week I have felt awful again, which if I’m completely honest, could be partly due to me getting totally pissed on Saturday. So much so that I spent most of Sunday morning with my head down the toilet. My wonderful flatmate, Lottie, held my hair out of my face. I think Andy found it quite amusing, especially as I keep lecturing him about drinking too much. On the plus side, we did have a lot of fun.

This week I cancelled all my appointments. I’ve only been out of the house to go next door to the Co-op and to go the cinema with Andy on Tuesday evening. I was very quiet, which is unlike me. I called the Dr yesterday and she said that it will probably take about two weeks for the higher dose to kick in, so fingers crossed, I should feel better in the next day or two.

My business has been quiet. In some ways this is good, as it gives me some breathing space. In other ways it causes me to worry about money. I still think it will help if I fulfil my mission to help others, whether through my writing or other means and while the business is quiet I intend to spend more time pursuing that. I also intend to start serialising my autobiography through my blog. So watch this space.


1SGI – a socially engaged Buddhist movement.


2 Replies to “Journal 14th July 2016”

  1. Sam, In my experience of dealing with my own personal issues the key is acceptance of what is. This is little to do with the term ‘surrender’, which thanks to decades of new age twaddle is loaded with agenda. Wanting what isn’t there is a subtle resistance to ‘what is present’, and hence the suffering continues. Similarly, resisting what is present also perpetuates suffering. Any pain, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or existential, is simply a call from intelligence or Love that something is not right, requiring nothing but our undivided attention. With love, Daniel 🙂

    1. Hi Daniel, thanks for sharing your wisdom. I think acceptance and surrender are similar. In my personal experience I have found surrender to be a liberating experience. When I am at my lowest, I often repeat ‘I surrender’ over and over again. For me I find that comforting and I also think it can be when the magic happens. I think everyone experiences things in different and words mean different things to different people. Love to you too 🙂 x x

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