Journal 15th July 2016

Gratitude

Well today has been a good day. I must have felt better yesterday to have been motivated to write a blog post and then in turn writing always makes me feel good.

So what has caused me to feel better?

Is it because I have been back on the higher dose of my anti-depressants?

Or is it because I have been writing a gratitude diary since Wednesday?

Or is it something else entirely?

I think on Wednesday I may have hit rock bottom. My good friend Katrina Love, who used to be my life coach, recently agreed to start coaching me again. She called on Wednesday and I wailed down the phone.

“I don’t think there’s any point in me seeing you. You can only help someone that helps themselves and I’m not capable of helping myself at the moment”, I cried. “I’ve got no money. I’m going to have to get a job but I can’t face it. I’m going to have to sell my car. Andy’s going to dump me for being so negative.”

Katrina told me that sometimes when you can’t help yourself, someone reaches out their hand and that’s what she was doing for me. She told me not to do anything rash and we made an appointment for me to see her today. She told me that I was in fear and suggested I start a gratitude diary, “You can’t be in fear and in gratitude at the same time”.

She also told me that when the fear reared its ugly head to put my hand on my tummy and say to myself, “Be still” and to tell myself “I can handle it”.

Today I went to see Katrina and we made a plan as follows:

  • I will keep a journal, which will help my healing process and hopefully help others. As I said in yesterday’s journal, I have more time to do that while business is quiet.
  • While business is quiet it’s also an opportunity to really show myself self-love and self-care, mainly by preparing delicious healthy food for myself, exercising, and developing healthy habits, among other things.
  • Write my affirmations, determinations and intentions and read them first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I am in the process of writing a series of blog posts about 2015 – my year of transformation, or I was before I started feeling low again. At the beginning of this year I was feeling awesome and I thought I could take on the world, which is why I decided to reduce my anti-depressants. Since I’ve been feeling low, I have felt like a hypocrite and felt adverse to writing about a transformation that suddenly had a hollow ring to it. Now that I’m feeling better I feel this is just the next part of the transformational process.

Last year’s transformation was partly down to the healing I had with Amanda Hart and the habits that we put in place then (to be covered in more detail in my ‘2015 – Year of Transformation’ series). Unfortunately I have let those habits slip and I am determined to start again. One habit that I have kept up is my Buddhist chanting practice, which is another thing that has been highly transformational for me.

I seem to be in a pattern of repeating the same mistakes and lessons. Sometimes I feel like I’m back to square one but dear friends such as my lovely TFT therapist, Val Chater, remind me of how far I have come.

Katrina, Amanda and Val are just three of numerous amazing women that I have attracted into my life who nurture and inspire me. I feel so blessed to have so many amazing friends.

Incidentally, I came back from my appointment with Katrina feeling inspired and I cooked myself a healthy dinner. After dinner I thought I ‘should’ chant but I didn’t feel like it. I immediately felt like a failure and I could feel the negativity creeping in. My next thought was that I could journal about my feelings and share them on my blog and then I felt motivated to chant as I believe that chanting helps me to access my inner wisdom, courage and compassion and reveal my Buddhahood, which is exactly what I need in my writing.

I hope that some of you are finding my ramblings helpful. I am certainly finding it therapeutic. It seems a little self-indulgent. I feel that if my writing just helps one person I have achieved my goal. A few people have told me that they have found my writing helpful and one person told me it has inspired them to start writing about their own journey.

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