When feeling the pain doesn’t work

As I mentioned in my previous post, feeling the pain is a great way to deal with difficult emotions, but what can you do when feeling the pain doesn’t work?

I still experience periods of depression. Usually, they pass quickly, but occasionally they linger.

Sometimes the emotions were so painful I had even considered suicide. But the truth is, I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. During one period of depression, I had an “aha” moment when I realised I had fallen into the trap of not just feeling the pain but dwelling on it. I had become stuck in a pattern of thinking and talking about being depressed. I had to focus on what I wanted instead of focusing on what I didn’t want. I had to change my story.

My regular Happiness practices such as Buddhist chanting, gratitude, meditation, Thought Field Therapy (TFT) – which releases blocked energy by tapping on acupressure points and is also called tapping – and other techniques can all be useful to avoid getting sucked into a vortex of negativity. Remember though, it’s vital to allow ourselves to feel the pain before we use other Happiness techniques. It can be a tricky balancing act.

In her video “What to Do If You Feel Hopeless,” Teal Swan says, “Whatever you do, don’t try to think positive thoughts. Don’t write a single affirmation. Anything you try hard to do to get out of the feeling of hopelessness will ensnare you deeper.”

Distract Yourself

Having said all that about feeling the pain, sometimes it is just too hard. When that happens, I believe it’s okay to distract yourself. Try and find something healthy to distract yourself with. You can go for a walk, cuddle your pets, or watch something funny on TV or YouTube.

If you love food, like me, eat something delicious and preferably healthy. If possible, allow yourself to fully tune into your feelings and the sensations in your body for 90 seconds first.

Use Happiness Practices

Once you are starting to feel better, then it’s time to start using Happiness Practices such as gratitude, mindfulness, or affirmations. Going forward, using Happiness Practices on a regular basis will help to prevent you feeling hopeless in the future. Although in my experience, there are still times when I feel hopeless it’s only occasionally these days.

Have Something to Look Forward to

Teal Swan goes on to recommend writing a list of everything you’ve got to look forward to. This could be anything, from something small such as sitting in the garden with a cup of tea, to something bigger such as going on holiday. If you haven’t got anything to look forward to, what can you plan?

Ask for Help

Reach out to family and friends who will be there for you. Look for people who will have compassion without judgment and who will not start offering advice or try to fix the situation.

It’s Good to Cry

Crying can be cathartic. It helps me release whatever I’m feeling. Saltwater is known for its healing qualities, and I believe that’s why our tears have salt in them.

Be Gentle with Yourself

When you feel hopeless, be gentle with yourself. Have an easy day of self-care. Take the day off work if you can.

Acceptance and Surrender

Acceptance and surrender can be a powerful technique. Accept the pain. Acknowledge it. Know that it will pass.

It’s comforting to remind myself that I’ve been here before, and things always get better. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Previous periods of depression have often preceded times of major breakthrough.

There is also a certain peace that comes from surrendering to the pain and leaning into it rather than fighting it. When I feel really bad, I sometimes just pray and say, “Help me” or “I surrender” over and over again.

It’s been over six years since I stopped taking antidepressants. I still have times when I feel depressed and hopeless, but luckily those times are much less frequent and pass more quickly. There are rare instances when I feel hopeless to the point of suicidal. Thankfully this only happens very occasionally.

When I say suicidal, I do not really want to die, even though in the distant past I have made some half-hearted suicide attempts. I just want the pain to stop. When I feel like that, I feel utterly wretched. The emotional pain is so bad it physically hurts. Often there’s no rhyme or reason to it. As Stephen Fry says, “Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.”

The last time I felt like this was in 2023, when I was going through a period of unemployment. I was watching TV with MSP. I suddenly felt a cold feeling of dread creeping over my body, like one of the Dementors from Harry Potter was in the room. Before I knew it, I was sobbing and had tears pouring down my face. We were watching Happy Valley, which, as you will know if you’ve watched it, is anything but happy so that probably didn’t help.

I felt I didn’t have anyone to turn to. MSP asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t explain. Later, as I lay in bed sobbing, he helpfully (or not helpfully, as the case may be) suggested that I needed to think positively. I refrained from punching him in the chops, although the thought did cross my mind.

I accepted the pain and surrendered to it. I prayed for help to sleep, took some rescue remedy, and added some lavender oil to my pillow. Luckily, and maybe surprisingly, I slept really well.

I allowed myself to have a lie in and although I woke up still feeling raw, I felt something had shifted. I realised that of course I have people I can turn to. I have MSP and a number of dear girlfriends who will always be there for me.

One of my friends shared that she had been feeling the same and she was trying to fully experience her emotions instead of self-soothing. I had been planning a binge-eating session, but her words struck a chord. I knew the only way to heal those feelings was to fully feel them instead of covering them with food.

I had planned to spend the day job hunting, working on a freelance project, and working on Happiness Club. However, my emotional breakdown left me feeling exhausted, so I decided to have a day of self-care instead. I went for a lovely walk and then pottered around the house catching up on small jobs I had been meaning to do for a while.

In the evening, MSP and I had a takeaway, choosing healthy options, and spent the night in front of the TV. We watched Happy Valley again, which might not have been the best choice, but what can I say, I was addicted!

Experiencing periods of depression requires a delicate balance between feeling the pain and using Happiness techniques to improve our mood. It’s good to watch our thoughts and be mindful of what we’re focusing on. Happiness practices such as Buddhist chanting, tapping, gratitude, meditation, and other forms of self-care have really helped me to prevent and navigate periods of depression.

Distractions can be helpful when the pain feels overwhelming. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to ask for help. Acceptance and surrendering to the pain, coupled with the understanding that it will pass, help me to feel a sense of peace and serenity. Despite ongoing challenges, my Happiness practices have helped me reduce the frequency and intensity of depression and helped me maintain more consistently stable mental health.

Fed up with feeling fed up? Take action to learn to be Happy and get what you want with the the book Happiness Club: Learn to Be Happy and Get What You Want and Happiness Club membership programme. Sign up now.

This post was originally written for Happiness-Club.co.uk a few years ago and I have updated it in 2024 – 2025 for the book Happiness Club: Learn to Be Happy and Get What You Want and the Happiness Club membership programme.