Journal 18th August 2016

Focus on what you want

Well I’m still up and down. I’ve been tired still. Last week, one of my Buddhist friends sent me a fantastic article about chanting to be become a man / woman of unlimited self- esteem for two weeks and the profound effects it will have. In the article it said that initially all the negativity will come up to the surface to be cleared and it certainly did.

Over the weekend all my old negative thoughts started going round and round in my head and I ended up in a downward spiral of negativity. I felt desperate to the point where I called 111 because I just wanted the pain to stop. Because I’d been having suicidal thoughts they advised me to go to A&E. I started driving to A&E but I felt that it would be a mistake, so I started chanting through my tears. My boyfriend Andy called me and told me to go to him and I decided to do that instead. I also called my friend Val and she helped. I realised that I hadn’t tapped or chanted (apart from in the car), so I tapped and I felt better within a few minutes. I’m glad I didn’t go to A&E. Conventional medicine is not the answer. I have to find the root of my childhood pain and find a spiritual solution, with the support and love of my boyfriend and friends.

I am a big believer that what you think about and what you focus on is what you get. I know that I’ve been focusing too much on feeling tired and depressed. I know that I’m putting the wrong messages out to the Universe. I need to change my focus.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we won’t have problems, of course we will and having problems is part of our journey and how we grow and become better human beings and ultimately become happy. And when we do have problems, it’s important to acknowledge the negativity, rather than covering it over with positive thoughts. Once acknowledged we can then move to positive thoughts and action. And while it’s important to acknowledge negativity, we want to avoid setting up camp and dwelling there.

At the moment business is quiet and I’ve only been working part-time. It’s good to only work part-time and have time to reflect and rest. It is not so good financially but again I need to focus on what I want financially and stop putting out negative thoughts to the Universe. I’m taking things one day at a time, step by step and trusting that everything will unfold in the right way.

I think part of the reason that I’ve been feeling low is because I’m not fulfilling my mission, which I believe is to help myself and others become happy, through sharing my experiences. I have lots of ideas on how to do this but fear is holding me back. I’m scared that I won’t make enough money from it. Again, I’m focusing on the wrong thing. I downloaded an audio book by Wayne Dyer, ‘10 Secrets to Success and Inner Peace’ this week and synchronistically he talks about that very thing and how to overcome it. I also had a bit of a ‘light bulb’ moment, when I realised that I keep hoping that I will win the lottery or receive a windfall, so that I can finance my mission. I realised that I have it the wrong way round. I need to take steps to fulfil my mission to help others and then the abundance will come.

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